Trophy Wife

Lucas Glover- 2009 US Open Champ

“What’s the meaning of this?”  I asked my husband as I balanced his cell in one hand, stirred the burnt spaghetti sauce with the other, and tried to keep the cat off the counter with my foot.  Speaking of cats, that’s exactly what my husband looked like, a very sneaky cat that had just swallowed a very big canary.

“What?  Are you snooping through my phone?” He snatched it out of my hand, at least freeing it up so I could scrub my hands with a healthy dose of Dawn and a bucket of hot water.  I felt dirty.

You asked me to look up a number,” I replied.  “Trust me, that picture of you is the last thing I want seared in my memory!”

“So what’s for dinner?”  He leaned in over the sink to give me a kiss, trying to change the subject---like that was ever going to happen.

“Sorry, but you’re not going to be getting any for ten days, or at least whatever the incubation period is for the Swine flu, or H.flu or whatever nasty disease that thing might be carrying.”  I turned off the faucet and took a few steps back.

“But, baby, it’s the US Open trophy!  What was I supposed to do to it?”

“Certainly not kiss the thing!”  At this point, I’m scrambling through the drawers looking for my Echinacea pills.  “Do you even know where it’s been?”

“I wasn’t the only one who did it!” he whined.

 “That’s exactly my point!”

Now, I mean no offense to Lucas Glover, who won the trophy fair and square and was nice enough to bring it over to my husband’s golf club for a few weeks.  He seems like a really great guy and I’m real proud of him, but even he wouldn’t have kissed that thing until they cleaned it, inscribed his name on it, cleaned it again before delivering it to the eighteenth green with white gloved hands.  Since then, who the heck knows how many lips have touched it.

If it isn’t obvious by now, I’m a germaphobe. 

There I said it.  It’s not something I am proud of, but I’m certainly not ashamed of either.  Case in point, there was this exchange with the waiter when I dined with my kid’s at Applebee’s after a Wal-Mart run not too long ago.

“Someone smells great,” the waiter exclaimed after I order an Oriental chicken salad, a basket of chicken fingers and an order of French Onion soup without onions, or cheese, or bread for my eight year old, who’s like Sally from the movie When Harry Met Sally.  So basically, I ordered a six dollar bowl of broth.

“Thanks,” I told him, handing him back the menus. “It’s my hand sanitizer.  Purell has a new one that just came out in Cucumber Melon.”  I swear he rolled his eyes.

But ya’ll tell me, who wouldn’t grease themselves and their loved ones with a few dozen coats of heavy anti-bacterial gel after leaving, along with 20,000 other people that day, THE great American superstore.  I always say the only way I’m going back in is with a tank of oxygen and a bio-hazard suit, but it’s pointless. 

Some day in the future, in a weak moment, I’ll need a garden hose and a box of strawberry cake mix.

But it’s not just that I’m a germaphobe, I’m a Mom.  And unless you’ve ever ran back and forth between bedrooms and the laundry room, washing sheets and towels continuously while two kids are upstairs throwing up at the same time, you shouldn’t judge.  Especially since these kids are little Petri dishes full of thousands of virus and illnesses I can neither spell or treat with 2 tablespoons of Children’s Tylenol.  I know last year alone, we had fifths disease, an ear infection, 2 strep’s, 5 staphs, and a few “mystery” ailments that I’m sure could stump the CDC. 

Take my friend and stylist Kelli, who owns Bayson Salon, has two small children and comes into contact with tons of people every day because she’s so good at her job.  When one of her boy’s came down with Hand, Foot, and Mouth disease, she spent the week reassuring her clients the disease sounds worse than it really is and she wasn’t contagious.  Finally, one client got to the point, held up her hand and put it all in perspective: “Honey, that’s the last of my worries. Have you seen my roots?”

Even I have to agree.  Life goes on.  Hair goes gray that must be covered up, laundry hampers and milk must sometimes be bought at the same time, and children must actually venture outside the house.

 I know we can’t all live in a bubble, but my husband still has four days left before I know we’re out of the woods. 

While we wait, at least he can look at the nice picture of the intimate moment that Lucas Glover was so nice to let him have with the US Open trophy.

Paper Crumbs

 

       I miss notes.

   Not the pastel multi-colored Post-It ones that are scattered all over your desk to remind you of all the things you’d just as soon forget.  Or the notes left on the front door by your Pest Control, Cable, Heating & Air, “Fill in the Blank” guy telling you you’ve missed your appointment….again.  Oh, and I can’t forget about the ones from your kids.  You know, the notes scribbled in neon crayon on your precious computer paper that say things like “you’ve ruined my life” or “if I had my own ATM card and knew how to drive I’d be so out of here.”

  No.  Those are the kind of notes I can live without.

  I’m talking about the notes from my own childhood.  The ones scrawled in blue ball point pen on torn out pieces of notebook paper that were then passed, pitched, or planed with the highest of hopes you wouldn’t get caught.

  Those were the “daze.”

  Evidently, in High School I really liked to write notes.  As I was reading over a few of them again the other night from my old Holly Hobby keep sake box, someone named FODOBC once jotted down “I feel like you live to write notes.”

  FODOBC, you were right.  And my secret hoard of stacks and stacks of them from the 90’s is undeniable proof.

  There is nothing particular juicy contained within their tattered pages, I can promise you that.  They were all about the mundane day to day existence of a teenager:

  “I screwed up the Vocab. Test.  I’m so stupid.  Tomorrow I am going to Applebee’s.”

  “Your brother sounds weird on the phone.  What do you want for Christmas?  I want everything in the world.”

  “I guess I’ll tell you what is bothering me.  It’s going to be straight to the point.  I like you a lot and you don’t like me.”

  “I watched some after school special called “Sometimes I Don’t Like My Mother.”  It’s pretty good.”

  Kind of sums it all up, doesn’t?  The insecurities of youth; the weirdness of family and how you feel about yourself; not yet understanding your parents had to actually parent in the most difficult of times and not be your friend; and the naivety of not knowing that one day….all of those things you wanted so desperately…. you will never really need.

  I read something the other day.  I’m not sure who wrote it but it made me pause and think.  It went something like this: “Don’t not go where the path may lead.  Go instead where there is no path and lead a trail.”

  Yes, it’s a grand thought.   The world needs more trailblazers; more individuals and free thinkers.  But if each one of us is different, a one-of-a-kind and our own life unique, then we are all trailblazers by birth making our own personal and particular path through life.  The questions is then- how do you mark your trail, carve your initials into the root of it, and leave something behind to show you were there in the trenches slowly making your way towards the light?

  Paper crumbs.

  Every journal, note, scrap, torn piece of paper tells a story of where we have been and where we would like to go.

  And least that’s what I like to think.  But I am old…fashioned, that is.

  I feel sorry for our children.  They live in a new world of 130 character Tweets, abbreviated slanged texts, and a paperless trail of thoughts and emotions sent out in the big, black void of cyber-space; a scary place where you never know who will end up seeing your most sacred wishes.

  Not-to-mention, their vernacular looks like battle code for a nuclear submarine.

  NAGI- Not a good idea.

  J4F= Just for fun.

  JSYK- Just so you know.

  IKR- I know, right?

  FTF- Face to Face.

  4EAE- Forever and Ever.

  The Pew Internet & American Life Project recently reported that texting is ranked as the number one mode of communication with the 12- 17 set, with a median average of 60 texts a day. 

  Why is there a constant need to be in touch with someone, everyone these days when you really don’t even have anything to say?

  “What R U doin”

  “Nothin U”

  What happened to appropriate distances of space and time, to looking forward to the moment when you could actually formulate a whole sentence and an entire thought- let alone, spell out the words “you” and “are” and put pen to paper?

  I know, I know.   It’s fast and it’s easy. 

  I just hope they realize 4EAE might stand for forever and ever, but it doesn’t represent it.

  Forever and ever symbolizes your word, your honesty, and your character that you’ll spread like seeds as you blaze your way through your individual path of life.

  I just hope our children learn to leave the right kind of crumbs so everyone will know who they sincerely are.  Not just some quick and easy abbreviated version of their true selves.

  Write on, my future trail blazers.  Write on.

Summer Scavengers

It's official.

It’s finally summer.

And this means a whole new laundry list of special things to look forward to:

Special camps that cost as much as college; special spills, stains, and abandoned honey-do 

lists that wave like forgotten flags from the fridge;  special bugs, weeds and webs that 

grow like wildfire from your now wilted flower beds.  

I know for me, at least, those first few magical days of summer glow like the beginnings 

of a copper-colored tan only to quickly burn, peel and then fade in the brutal heat of slap 

fights, "I'm bored" s and "I told you so" s.  

Tattling spreads like kudzu.  Words filled with teen angst sting like wasps, and soiled 

laundry unfolds like a never-ending smelly mess of your own undoing.

So, sure.  It's summer and as Billy says, "the living is easy." Only that's just for kids,

critters, cacti and those who find comic relief in shooting half-filled cans of soda off the 

couch with a nerd pellet gun and a sling shot (husbands. I am talking to you.)

For the rest of us, that being moms, it's a wholly hell of a hard time.  

Yes, you get to sleep in while your children wreck your house and clean out the pantry, 

but then you have to try and brush the dreadlocks out of their hair, force them to wear 

what a few weeks ago they knew to be shoes, and shove them into a pair of new shorts

with the tags still attached that they've just outgrown.  All of that, just to drive four miles 

to the Winn Dixie.

Fast-forward an hour later when you've checked out, and for the love of all things 

healthy, not know how they snuck into the cart three boxes of Stars Wars gummies, 

two sleeves of Double Stuff Oreos and a case of Mountain Dew that will disappear 

within 30 minutes, along with your weekly secret stash of mini Snickers.

Not only do these little scavengers raid the fridge, cabinets, and pantries because 

they are that bored, but they pillage junk drawers, craft closets, crates, winter coat pockets 

and jewelry cases.  Basically, they will tear into anything that has a lid, lock, or closing 

mechanism on it.

Me, I'm ready to send them back where they came from -school- after just one whole 

week off.  This is because I'm sick and tired of stepping on tiny sharp Lego pieces that 

cut like knives, prickly pipe cleaners glued-along with plastic wiggly eyes- to the 

hardwoods, and the spiky heels of my entire shoe collection that's been confiscated for 

a neighborhood stage showing of Wicked.

And I haven’t even brought up the dozen damp, moldy socks and t-shirts you find under 

their bed that require smelling salts, 2 aspirin and an emergency call to your physician.

Then one day, it hit me, right out of the blue.  Kind of like a haphazardly kicked soccer 

ball aimed carelessly to my head. You see, I was writing out a Scavenger List to get my 

dependents out of my hair for a few.  Usually, I write down every day, garden variety 

objects for them to find.  You know, a leaf as big as their head....a frog, a snail, a puppy 

dog tail (attached of course)....sticks to spell out their name, dreams and aspirations in 

paragraph form, and if possible, indented.

But I suddenly stopped, scratched out my list and started thinking about myself for a 

change.  

So here is my new Summer Scavenger List for 2013.  You are more than welcome to 

print it, then hand it out with an extra large garbage bag, a garden hoe and a laundry

 hamper; the bigger the better. First one done gets bragging rights, dibs on the next 

movie pick and your own secret stash of mini Snickers (I know, that one hurts, but 

trust me it'll be well worth it.)

Here Goes:

1.) 20 weeds from the front yard and 30 from the back.  Healthy grass does not count 

and will incur an automatic ten minute time-out.

2.) 3 objects from the fridge and 5 from the pantry that have an expired after 2012.  

Extra point for anything found from the 1990's.

3.) 4 pairs of socks, matching and tethered together for eternity or at least one more 

wash along with one folded towel off the floor Febreezed, dried and folded.

4.) An empty toilet tissue roll, point is only awarded if replaced by a new one.

5.) One extremely shrill performance from the Sound of Music sung off key and 

standing directly in front of Dad.  Point awarded only if it is so annoying he finally 

stops watching TV or blowing up aliens on your Play Station to change out all the 

burned out light bulbs and takes out the trash.

I don't know how much peace and serenity this will grant you this summer, but at 

least you'll get a few things done around the house without lifting a finger or breaking 

off a nail. And even if a mother’s work is never done, there’s certainly no solid reason 

to really suffer.

As the late, great Erma Bombeck once said about domestic duties- and though this is a 

guess, her children- " if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire or block the 

refrigerator door, let it be.  No one else cares.  Why should you?" 

And if a scavenger hunt for your little scavengers seems like too much trouble, no 

worries.  

Let it all sit, simmer, stew and/ or mildew because if you can't beat them, we'll....

you can surely join them.

See you in the trenches.

It's finally summer.