C is for Camping

It’s also for clueless, confused and downright crazy.  And for this Southern girl, one has to incorporate all of the above in order to put one foot inside a giant, netted, bustling insect hive (which some people call a tent) and the other foot in a sorry sack of zippered up flimsy fabric meant for you to lay down on and slumber (you know, some call it a sleeping bag.) 

Now, I have been on many a camping trip, but I will fess up and tell you I don’t remember much about any of them.  It’s called denial. To this very day, my brother and I are unable to even talk about or process what took place inside a pop-up tent we spent with our parents for two weeks in Yellowstone one summer when we were in elementary school back in Texas.

Not having TV, hot water, and sharing twelve feet of space and a collapsible potty with three other humans, a few frogs, a family of squirrels, and a hungry bear who was fascinated with our revolving dinner table-slash-bed, does that to some people.

My husband loves to camp.  And it’s one of the things I love about him.  He keeps me guessing. 

As in why would a grown man, squish himself between a formation inside the earth called “Pancake Rock”, repel down the inside of a 30 foot deep cave, then set up camp next to a slab of rock covered in guano?

Now, that’s bat poop for all of you indoorsy types.

Beats me. 

But y’all, now that I have children, I am starting to get scared.  Not that my hair will turn grey, my back will permanently ache and I will no longer remember my name by the time I can have the bathroom to myself.  No.  I am tougher than a two dollar steak when it comes to most things, but sometimes I do get a little shaky at the possibility of hearing three dreaded words announced at the supper table: Family.  Camping. And Trip.

So far though, I have been doing a pretty good job of heading it off at the pass or before the insect repellent and collapsible fishing rods to catch our only dinner make it into hiking packs, if you know what I mean?

It’s all about another “C” word that most people really rely on for their own sanity.  It’s called comfort.  And if you provide it, they will come….or stay home…….depending on how you think of it.

So, fellow non- camping moms, heed my advice.  It only takes ten minutes to set up a tent in the den with some funky quilts and a dozen squishy, soft pillows, put a few triple A’s in the mini flashlights, download a few Gothic Southern ghost stories and broil a few s’mores in the oven. Oh…..and break-up a few dozen glow sticks to coat the inside of a couple of Mason jars to look like fireflies at night.

While it takes 6 hours to drive, 4 miles to hike, 3,000 calories and 2 boxes of granola bars to make it to a camp ground inside the middle nowhere that upon arrival you’ll have to hang your food from a tree and pray it doesn’t rain. 

Instead, here are a few tricks for providing the ultimate, elevated camping experience in your very own abode.   Just think of all of the bug bites, blisters, and doctor bills you’ll avoid by staying home in comfort and in style.

 

Tomato Bacon Bisque with “Camp Crackers” and  Oven Broiled S’mores

This is my foodie representation of grilled cheese and tomato soup that I like to serve “camped out” in the den with my family on a summer week-end movie night (think Stand by Me, Caddy Shack, the Great Outdoors, National Lampoons Vacation, On Golden Pond).  It has taken me over a year to perfect my bisque but it was worth every slip of the serrated knife and burn of the boiled over cream.  I do have to confess I borrowed the camp cracker recipe from one of my favorite New England restaurants The Common Man’s Camp.  Click here to make these yummy gorgonzola cheese slices of heaven below, and like they do up there in Meredith, New Hampshire, slice the pita bread into tiny pizza triangles and place on a long wooden cutting board sprinkled with green scallions and then serve family style-genius.

For the Tomato Bacon Bisque, you’ll need the following but, by the way, I ALWAYS double the recipe. It’s that good:

4 cups of peeled and diced fresh tomatoes; salted to taste (or the canned kind depending on the season)

2 cups chicken broth (or if you have time, it’s always better to make your own-  sauté some butter, onions, carrot and celery, add an already cooked, rotisserie chicken and 2 cups of canned chicken broth(how is that for irony) over boiling water for 30 minutes and then strain chicken and veggies to make your own stock.)  Unless, you have absolutely nothing else in the world to do- I suggest canned chicken broth.

¼ cup of real butter (depending on the state of your arteries)

1 clove minced garlic

8-10 pieces Peppered Bacon (alright, you’re all in now…might as well go for it)

1 small, finely chopped onion

2 cups whipping/heavy cream or half & half (tried them all and they all work-your preference)

 

Cook bacon in oven on 400 for 10-12 minutes until crisp.

Meanwhile, sauté butter, onion, and garlic in soup pot over medium high heat until tender.

Add diced tomatoes, chicken broth and cooked bacon to soup pot.

Simmer for one hour.

Next warm cream in separate pan, careful not to overheat. Now, you have to pretty much stir constantly, and like over the home-made chicken stock and pot of tomatoes-you have will absolutely nothing better to do than enjoy a good book (one of my favorites The Forgotten Garden or The Lake of Dead Languages) and a hefty glass of Pinot.

Add cream to the tomato mixture then transfer to blender or food processor; blend well.

Serve immediately with camp crackers.

Oven Baked S'Mores are just as easy.

Oh...and here is My Kind of Camping Pinterest board for all sorts of inspiration.

The only thing left for y’all to do is read my story, A Diary of a Sleepover, on my website.  Especially, if you’re letting your kids invite a few friends over for the campout fun.  It’s your need-to-know Sleepover Survival Guide.  Have a great night and don’t let the bedbugs bite!  Much love and high hopes for all sorts of pseudo outdoor fun, Laura.

 

Previously published on thesouthernc where I am a contributing writer.

Summer Scavengers

It's official.

It’s finally summer.

And this means a whole new laundry list of special things to look forward to:

Special camps that cost as much as college; special spills, stains, and abandoned honey-do 

lists that wave like forgotten flags from the fridge;  special bugs, weeds and webs that 

grow like wildfire from your now wilted flower beds.  

I know for me, at least, those first few magical days of summer glow like the beginnings 

of a copper-colored tan only to quickly burn, peel and then fade in the brutal heat of slap 

fights, "I'm bored" s and "I told you so" s.  

Tattling spreads like kudzu.  Words filled with teen angst sting like wasps, and soiled 

laundry unfolds like a never-ending smelly mess of your own undoing.

So, sure.  It's summer and as Billy says, "the living is easy." Only that's just for kids,

critters, cacti and those who find comic relief in shooting half-filled cans of soda off the 

couch with a nerd pellet gun and a sling shot (husbands. I am talking to you.)

For the rest of us, that being moms, it's a wholly hell of a hard time.  

Yes, you get to sleep in while your children wreck your house and clean out the pantry, 

but then you have to try and brush the dreadlocks out of their hair, force them to wear 

what a few weeks ago they knew to be shoes, and shove them into a pair of new shorts

with the tags still attached that they've just outgrown.  All of that, just to drive four miles 

to the Winn Dixie.

Fast-forward an hour later when you've checked out, and for the love of all things 

healthy, not know how they snuck into the cart three boxes of Stars Wars gummies, 

two sleeves of Double Stuff Oreos and a case of Mountain Dew that will disappear 

within 30 minutes, along with your weekly secret stash of mini Snickers.

Not only do these little scavengers raid the fridge, cabinets, and pantries because 

they are that bored, but they pillage junk drawers, craft closets, crates, winter coat pockets 

and jewelry cases.  Basically, they will tear into anything that has a lid, lock, or closing 

mechanism on it.

Me, I'm ready to send them back where they came from -school- after just one whole 

week off.  This is because I'm sick and tired of stepping on tiny sharp Lego pieces that 

cut like knives, prickly pipe cleaners glued-along with plastic wiggly eyes- to the 

hardwoods, and the spiky heels of my entire shoe collection that's been confiscated for 

a neighborhood stage showing of Wicked.

And I haven’t even brought up the dozen damp, moldy socks and t-shirts you find under 

their bed that require smelling salts, 2 aspirin and an emergency call to your physician.

Then one day, it hit me, right out of the blue.  Kind of like a haphazardly kicked soccer 

ball aimed carelessly to my head. You see, I was writing out a Scavenger List to get my 

dependents out of my hair for a few.  Usually, I write down every day, garden variety 

objects for them to find.  You know, a leaf as big as their head....a frog, a snail, a puppy 

dog tail (attached of course)....sticks to spell out their name, dreams and aspirations in 

paragraph form, and if possible, indented.

But I suddenly stopped, scratched out my list and started thinking about myself for a 

change.  

So here is my new Summer Scavenger List for 2013.  You are more than welcome to 

print it, then hand it out with an extra large garbage bag, a garden hoe and a laundry

 hamper; the bigger the better. First one done gets bragging rights, dibs on the next 

movie pick and your own secret stash of mini Snickers (I know, that one hurts, but 

trust me it'll be well worth it.)

Here Goes:

1.) 20 weeds from the front yard and 30 from the back.  Healthy grass does not count 

and will incur an automatic ten minute time-out.

2.) 3 objects from the fridge and 5 from the pantry that have an expired after 2012.  

Extra point for anything found from the 1990's.

3.) 4 pairs of socks, matching and tethered together for eternity or at least one more 

wash along with one folded towel off the floor Febreezed, dried and folded.

4.) An empty toilet tissue roll, point is only awarded if replaced by a new one.

5.) One extremely shrill performance from the Sound of Music sung off key and 

standing directly in front of Dad.  Point awarded only if it is so annoying he finally 

stops watching TV or blowing up aliens on your Play Station to change out all the 

burned out light bulbs and takes out the trash.

I don't know how much peace and serenity this will grant you this summer, but at 

least you'll get a few things done around the house without lifting a finger or breaking 

off a nail. And even if a mother’s work is never done, there’s certainly no solid reason 

to really suffer.

As the late, great Erma Bombeck once said about domestic duties- and though this is a 

guess, her children- " if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire or block the 

refrigerator door, let it be.  No one else cares.  Why should you?" 

And if a scavenger hunt for your little scavengers seems like too much trouble, no 

worries.  

Let it all sit, simmer, stew and/ or mildew because if you can't beat them, we'll....

you can surely join them.

See you in the trenches.

It's finally summer.

SOUTHERN LIVING'S FEEL GOOD FOOD COOKBOOK CONTEST

Morning, everyone!  For those of you who have already picked through the Wednesday paper, you already know I'm having a contest for a free copy of Southern Living's gorgeous new cookbook Feel Good Food: Simple and Satisfying Recipes with a Fresh Twist.  All you have to do is message me with one of your funniest and most treasured cooking tales of all time.  Here's mine that was published in this morning's column of the Coastal Illustrated: 

My favorite cooking tale involves my husband’s families Christmas Eve party a few years back.  Those of you who know Charlie’s mom, Flo, know she’s Pennsylvania Dutch, born in Harrisburg by way of Quebec.  His dad’s is New England all the way coming over not too long after those first pilgrims from England in the later part of the 1600’s. 

His parents were the first of both their collective families to move down South and soon after many followed for the warm climate, great food and …of course…down-home hospitality.  At least, for the holidays, that is.

I’ll never forget that night my mom, as Southern as Southern comes, brought a Virginia Country Ham.  She presented the gorgeous burlap-encased slab of swine to Flo tied with an over-sized cranberry crushed velvet bow as a holiday gift not knowing she would immediately turn around, slice it with her electronic saw, and then place it raw on a platter next to GiGi’s Banberry tarts and a Dutch oven full of Boston Baked Beans.

It wasn’t long before Flo’s cousin Rick gnawed on a healthy slice of the cured ham, then promptly stumbled to our table, downed my daughters High-C, Charlie’s half a cup of warm beer, someone who was still at the buffet line’s full glass of Cab and a pitcher of water that previously housed several stems of holly, a fresh Poinsettia sprig and a plastic Elf.

“Whatever you guys do,” he says between pants.  “Don’t try the prosciutto.”

Stories aside, I just really love this cookbook. It's got it all- from Beer Margaritas to Kentucky Benedictine Tea Sandwiches to Mama's German Chocolate Cake.  It truly is more than just a cookbook with sweet stories and memories from Southern Living's senior writer Valerie Fraser Luesse tucked in among the pages.  For a Southerner, it's like coming home and for a first-timer trying their hand at this down-home regional cuisine, it couldn't be a more simple or delicious.

So as promised, I have reprinted the Pickled Okra and Shrimp Salad recipe to share with your family and friends and thrown in the recipe for Texas Toast Tomato Sandwiches.

All you have to do now is share a funny memory or two from the kitchen.  It's like story telling...family style.  Can't wait to hear from you soon!  Laura

                                               TEXAS TOAST TOMATO SANDWICHES

1 package five-cheese Texas toast

2lb. assorted heirloom tomatoes

1/4 cup bottled blue cheese vinaigrette

6 Tbsp. torn fresh basil

Salt & pepper to taste

Garnish: crumbled blue cheese, fresh basil leaves


1 .) Prepare Texas toast according to package directions.

2.) Meanwhile, halve larger tomatoes and cut into 1/4 inch thick slices; halve or quarter smaller tomatoes.  Gently toss tomatoes with vinaigrette, basil, salt and pepper to taste.  Serve immediately over hot Texas Toast.  Garnish, if desired.

PICKLED OKRA AND SHRIMP SALAD

1 (3-oz) package boil-in-bag shrimp-and-crab boil

1 ½ peeled and deveined shrimp- medium/raw

½ cup sliced sweet-hot pickled okra (Wickles is awesome and at the HT)

1 (4 oz) jar dices pimento, drained

1/3 cup mayo

3 Tbsp minced red onion

½ tsp lime zest

3 Tbsp fresh lime juice

¼ tsp pepper

1/8 tsp salt

3 large avocados, sliced

1.)    Bring 8 cups of water to a boil in a 3-quart saucepan; add crab boil, and cook 5 minutes.  Add shrimp; cover, remove from heat, and let stand 10 minutes or until shrimp turns pink.  Drain and cool ten minutes.

2.)    Meanwhile, combine pickled okra, diced pimento, and next 6 ingredients.  Add shrimp, and serve immediately with avocado slices or chill until ready to serve.