It’s official. I heard that after a seven-year break, it looks like Ken and Barbie are back together again. On Valentine’s Day, the buxom blonde changed her profile status on Facebook to “in a relationship,” quickly and effectively confirming the rampant rumors of a possible reconciliation.
I don’t know about y’all, but I had no idea that they had broken up in the first place. I guess, in an apparent lack of hipness, I was spending way too much time in the carpool line, grocery store aisle, laundry room, and on dish duty to notice when the iconic pair of 43 years called it quits in 2004.
It seems Barbie tossed Ken to the curb and sent him sailing into the sunset solo in his blue hotrod, making room in the townhouse for a cute Aussie surfer named Blaine. Ouch. Why am I always the last to know? Even my kids balked at my lack of knowledge about the dynamic duo.
“Seriously, Mom?” one of them asks, rolling her eyes. “Didn’t you stay awake during Toy Story 3? No?”
She pats my hand. “Well, they were reunited on the movie set and decided to make sure it was the real deal and not motivated by the pressure of the paparazzi and the production company. I guess its true love, after all.”
“I’m sorry, sweetie,” I think to myself. “But I wouldn’t count my Barbie Farm Stand organic plastics eggs before they hatch.” You know what I’m saying?
According to a spokesman for Mattel, the new and improved “Sweet Talking” Ken doll is the “ultimate boyfriend for every occasion,” because he “says whatever you want him to say.” Literally. You push a button, whisper exactly what you’d like to hear directly into his six pack plastic abs, and voilà, he repeats it back. It’s true what they say about the famous eleven and a half inch mold of plastic with artificial blonde hair and tattooed eyebrows, she’s pretty and she’s smart.
Gone are the days of attempting to communicate her needs and wants to Ken telepathically. Now, at the touch of a button, she can feel like the prettiest girl in any room, or at least at the Swoop and Swirl Ice Cream Shop and Barbie Space Camp.
Here are a few examples of possible mind plants:
“Did you just get highlights down at the Cut & Style? Your hair looks amazing!”
“Who cares if you pawned my Beach Cruiser to pay for them? I just love those high heeled, leathered ankle boots!”
Me, I don’t need to be told I look good across the pillow. Especially, if I’m wearing my lavender mint eye pillow and Rodan+Fields anti- aging cream slathered across my forehead. Just because someone says something nice, doesn’t mean they really mean it. When it comes to romance, I prefer action over words. If it were me, Ken’s whispered sweet nothings would sound something more like this:
“I can’t wait to cook you dinner every single night this week. And don’t you dare step one foot into the Happy Family Barbie Grocery Store. I mean it!”
“I just changed all the light bulbs in the three story Dream Townhouse, skimmed the Glam pool, filled up your Malibu, and walked all 207 of your dogs.”
Now that would really be something to show off at the Toy Expo this spring.
Of course, this got me thinking. Sure, it sounds good on paper, but I know we are all rational adults and recognize there is no way, at least not in the near future, to plant ideas into the brains of our significant other via a small button and a battery operated voice recorder embedded in their flesh. I noticed that even "Sweet Talking" Ken didn't come with a money-back guarantee, so Barbie may be giving Ken another chance, but she's not totally buying into this newest "relationship" technology just yet. What I did find interesting is that it seems my husband and I, like the old school Barbie and Ken, have been communicating telepathically for years and never realized it.
Sure, it didn't start out that way. One of us would actually say something, then the other would actually respond. It seems this basic form of communication is rendered moot the longer you stay married.
Here are a few examples:
Him: "I know. You hate the new cell phone I got you."
Me: "I never said that. I haven't even said anything all morning."
Him: "You don't have to. You get these really deep creases all across your forehead and eyelids every time you look at it."
Me: "That's called aging, Matlock. Keep it up and I'll throw it at you."
Husband stands bowled over in the kitchen, clutching his stomach after inhaling an ex-large bean and beef burrito. He stares at me with a look of sheer panic crossed with a tinge of compassion.
"No. Sorry," I try and sound sympathetic, but I know what he is thinking, "that's not what contractions feel like. Not even close."
Me: "Can you take out the trash?"
Him: Silence.
Me: "Can you please take the trash out?"
Him: Nothing.
Me: "Take out the trash! I'm not asking you again!"
Him: Still nothing. Nada.
I place the two large trashcans between him and Rush Limbaugh and the Haney
Project on the TV and close the door.
Two minutes later, he takes out the trash. Who needs words when you've had shrimp for dinner?
People will ask me what the key to success is for a happy marriage. I always tell them it's not about communication, but sometimes, it's about the lack of it. If you love someone enough to give them their space when they need it and pay enough attention to them from a distance to figure out what they want, words really aren't so necessary all the time. Success is when you can finish each other’s sentences or sit on the couch and feel comfortable not talking at all.
Unlike Barbie, I don't have a PhD or a successful vet practice, or even a beautician’s license and a glam jet, so I'm certainly not the world’s best expert on relationships, or much else, really. I do know in my almost fifteen years of marriage that you can't change another human being, no matter how annoyingly disparate they can seem sometimes. How can you change a person who is constantly morphing, evolving, and learning new things on their own? After all, as individuals, we are growing and moving forward to a wiser place as well. It's about making a commitment to respect each other’s choices and approaches towards living this one life and sharing what we learn along the way.
So good luck, Barbie and Ken. I'm glad you are jumping back into the hotrod together once again. I hope you're having the ride of your life. I sure am.
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