And this means a whole new laundry list of special things to look forward to:
Special camps that cost as much as college; special spills, stains, and abandoned honey-do
lists that wave like forgotten flags from the fridge; special bugs, weeds and webs that
grow like wildfire from your now wilted flower beds.
I know for me, at least, those first few magical days of summer glow like the beginnings
of a copper-colored tan only to quickly burn, peel and then fade in the brutal heat of slap
fights, "I'm bored" s and "I told you so" s.
Tattling spreads like kudzu. Words filled with teen angst sting like wasps, and soiled
laundry unfolds like a never-ending smelly mess of your own undoing.
So, sure. It's summer and as Billy says, "the living is easy." Only that's just for kids,
critters, cacti and those who find comic relief in shooting half-filled cans of soda off the
couch with a nerd pellet gun and a sling shot (husbands. I am talking to you.)
For the rest of us, that being moms, it's a wholly hell of a hard time.
Yes, you get to sleep in while your children wreck your house and clean out the pantry,
but then you have to try and brush the dreadlocks out of their hair, force them to wear
what a few weeks ago they knew to be shoes, and shove them into a pair of new shorts
with the tags still attached that they've just outgrown. All of that, just to drive four miles
to the Winn Dixie.
Fast-forward an hour later when you've checked out, and for the love of all things
healthy, not know how they snuck into the cart three boxes of Stars Wars gummies,
two sleeves of Double Stuff Oreos and a case of Mountain Dew that will disappear
within 30 minutes, along with your weekly secret stash of mini Snickers.
Not only do these little scavengers raid the fridge, cabinets, and pantries because
they are that bored, but they pillage junk drawers, craft closets, crates, winter coat pockets
and jewelry cases. Basically, they will tear into anything that has a lid, lock, or closing
mechanism on it.
Me, I'm ready to send them back where they came from -school- after just one whole
week off. This is because I'm sick and tired of stepping on tiny sharp Lego pieces that
cut like knives, prickly pipe cleaners glued-along with plastic wiggly eyes- to the
hardwoods, and the spiky heels of my entire shoe collection that's been confiscated for
a neighborhood stage showing of Wicked.
And I haven’t even brought up the dozen damp, moldy socks and t-shirts you find under
their bed that require smelling salts, 2 aspirin and an emergency call to your physician.
Then one day, it hit me, right out of the blue. Kind of like a haphazardly kicked soccer
ball aimed carelessly to my head. You see, I was writing out a Scavenger List to get my
dependents out of my hair for a few. Usually, I write down every day, garden variety
objects for them to find. You know, a leaf as big as their head....a frog, a snail, a puppy
dog tail (attached of course)....sticks to spell out their name, dreams and aspirations in
paragraph form, and if possible, indented.
But I suddenly stopped, scratched out my list and started thinking about myself for a
change.
So here is my new Summer Scavenger List for 2013. You are more than welcome to
print it, then hand it out with an extra large garbage bag, a garden hoe and a laundry
hamper; the bigger the better. First one done gets bragging rights, dibs on the next
movie pick and your own secret stash of mini Snickers (I know, that one hurts, but
trust me it'll be well worth it.)
1.) 20 weeds from the front yard and 30 from the back. Healthy grass does not count
and will incur an automatic ten minute time-out.
2.) 3 objects from the fridge and 5 from the pantry that have an expired after 2012.
Extra point for anything found from the 1990's.
3.) 4 pairs of socks, matching and tethered together for eternity or at least one more
wash along with one folded towel off the floor Febreezed, dried and folded.
4.) An empty toilet tissue roll, point is only awarded if replaced by a new one.
5.) One extremely shrill performance from the Sound of Music sung off key and
standing directly in front of Dad. Point awarded only if it is so annoying he finally
stops watching TV or blowing up aliens on your Play Station to change out all the
burned out light bulbs and takes out the trash.
I don't know how much peace and serenity this will grant you this summer, but at
least you'll get a few things done around the house without lifting a finger or breaking
off a nail. And even if a mother’s work is never done, there’s certainly no solid reason
to really suffer.
As the late, great Erma Bombeck once said about domestic duties- and though this is a
guess, her children- " if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire or block the
refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?"
And if a scavenger hunt for your little scavengers seems like too much trouble, no
worries.
Let it all sit, simmer, stew and/ or mildew because if you can't beat them, we'll....
you can surely join them.
